So Much for Goals...

 I disappeared again. Journaling went out the window, despite fresh goals LAST YEAR. I feel so sad that I lost writing about my family moments. I just can't seem to get on top of my writing goals. I have guilt, thoughts, excuses, understanding... confused where to start, so I'm just going with today:

Today the weather was amazing! We stayed home for Stake conference. One of the few great things from the Pandemic was having access to church from home. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful to be present, in person at church. I've learned that I need that consistency in my life to keep my habits close to God and Heaven. But once in a while... like Stake Conference, it was nice to sit in pajamas and hang out on the couch with Dan--instead of ushering our kids into a side-room to watch conference on a small TV screen anyway, and trying to hush them for two hours. 

Afterwards, we rode our bikes as a family to Buckskin Park. I LOVE our family bike rides. We don't do them nearly enough. But I found such satisfaction today, pulling Eliana in the trailer behind me, and watching Dan plus three other little bikers weaving along the sidewalk and bike trails. The sun was out but the air cool enough as we biked. None of the kids were fighting, which is something I struggle with the most at home. (So many clashing emotions still really get to me!) The kids played at the park while Dan took each of the kids for one-on-one rides. I appreciated that extra effort on his part. We've talked a lot about each of the kids needing more connection, especially one-on-on. I desperately want each of the kids to feel loved and to have an emotionally safe home environment. This week, I asked the kids in every prayer as a family, to ask for peace and happiness in our home, and kindness in our relationships. I just want to calm the chaos that is often present. We have a great family life, but there's always a lot of moving parts and escalating emotions. Much more than I ever imagined I'd have to manage. So I told the kids we all need help, and I believe in collective prayer. So here's hoping God can do what I can't do on my own and help bring some emotional stability to our home. lol We have a lot of fun together though, lots of sweet moments and spiritual moments. I just want it to dominate the crazy parts. 

SCHOOL UPDATE:

What a life-changer to have the kids all physically in school this year, including Eliana attending preschool twice a week for three hours. I got some sanity back! And the kids love Somerset. Aiya and Aaron were drawn for the lottery over the summer, and then Logan only missed a few days of school before he was accepted. I couldn't believe it all played out so well. From a FB post:

August 11, 2021

Logan started first grade Monday. He was a nervous wreck the night before Especially because Aiya and Aaron weren't going to be with him, since they were accepted into Somerset charter school. But thankfully one of his best friends is in his class so Logan held his hand walking across the grass. He has come home happy so far!

Aiya and Aaron started at their new school today, 5th and 3rd. I think they'll do great. Aaron has a church friend in his class, and Aiya makes friends so easily. She was teary nervous yesterday but I know she will adjust fast.

Kicking off my first day with 3/4 of my kids in school by getting a new color for my hair!

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The school culture over there is absolutely amazing. There are motivational incentives all the time for keeping up with academic challenges. There are spirit weeks every month it seems plus free dress days, Spirit shirt days, a Kindness shirt day...  They really have a ton of opportunities to wear something outside the school uniform. The kids never complain about the uniforms though. 

My every day life is pretty spoiled, especially compared to last year where I was swamped and drowning in academics and raging emotions from 9 AM - 3 PM every day. Man, that was so hard on all of us... truly emotionally traumatic, and there are a lot of aftermaths that we're still working through as a family: feeling heard, and staying calm, reducing over-reacting and fight-or-flight behavior. It's so heavy to me, remembering very clearly what that year felt like, and that desperate need for normalcy and escape. I'm so grateful the kids are happy this year, so involved in their own student life and soccer life. 

Dan needs a post all of his own sometime to catch up on his growth as an attorney and partner. Maybe I'll save those details when I can have him help me record it all. In short, he's the most hard-working person I know, and gives his best in every area of life: family, work, church, and anyone in need. He's been sick a lot this year with colds and headaches that keep reoccurring, but he powers through.

Soccer still keeps Dan and me busy and energized in the evenings! We had to find a balance in keeping it a healthy space. Last year, I used soccer as a place of escape because I was so overwhelmed. Just this past month, I had to miss quite a few games, including two weeks straight of missing my 4 games a week... that sounds like a lot when I type it out. Lol (One on monday, two thursday, one friday) I was struggling with really bad sciatic pain for months and didn't want to give it up. While attending physical therapy, I finally committed to taking two weeks off and it made the hugest difference, finally, to let my body heal instead of simply manage the pain until the next game. What I realized was that it wasn't that big of a deal to miss the games. I would attend in normal clothes and still get my social time... but I no longer had that desperate need for the adrenaline rush, self-esteem boost and endorphins that I craved last year to get me through my week. Soccer was definitely an addictive coping skill last year, and I'm happy to announce that I've found better balance in myself recently. 

So much to say. Hopefully catching up on birthday next post. 

2021:Journaling Goals

 Ah what has happened to my journaling life? I used to be the best, the most devoted, the most SANE I've ever been when I used to write all the time. I feel sooo lazy after the kids go to bed. If I'm not playing soccer (scheduled on Monday, thursday, and friday evenings), then I'm a Netflix-junkie watching mindless shows emphasized with medical dramas and mystery and maybe the occasional medieval romance-type drama. 

Where to start on my endless game of catch-up? Here. Right here.

It is January 10, 2021 and we've made some changes and set some goals. Home-school last semester was a rough experience. Emotionally, it was too much stress and strain on my relationship with my kids, Aaron in particular. While I don't think it's academically the smartest move, I enrolled Aaron into the public school system again where he is learning from home through online sources. Aiya does well most days with her self-directed work and preferred to do home-school. Logan would never make any progress through online learning! So with only Aaron enrolled, it has made a huge difference on the daily emotions. He is SO much happier and at ease! Even though he's busy with school work and the scheduled online class calls, he is thriving! He is smiling and goofy and still ahead of the class like he's always been. I'm grateful he seems to have learned quite a bit with me, despite our struggles. I'm worried he won't learn much this semester because it is SO slow going. Kudos to his teacher Ms. DeMarco for her patience and efforts to include the class in group problem solving through demonstration videos and small break-out rooms where the kids can attempt group work. However, the circumstances just do not allow much progress. Still, Aaron seems to love the space and doing his own thing. I'm hoping I can make up any areas over the summer with leftover home-school material. 

My hope is that Logan and Aaron can return to school in March. I don't expect it because our school district is so frustrating and seemingly useless. They've attempted nothing to accommodate in-person learning, despite neighboring states doing so with fair success. Yes, Covid numbers are still present but I will forever be irritated that they tried nothing. My kids--so many kids--need school structure and the social benefits to be themselves away from home and having other adults in their lives. Julie Prybyl from the ward offered to come over a couple times to help me with teaching at home, and the LIGHT in their eyes as they adoringly listened to her. Kids need other adults like this wonderful woman, willing to build relationships with them. Poor Aiya had a terribly hard first week back. She'd been excelling with her homeschool material before Christmas break, but she's really struggling to get back into it. "I just want to go back to school!" she cried. "I hate this! I hate learning at home!" It's really hard to see her like that because I agree. I agree with her and can do nothing to change her circumstances. Lack of control is one of the toughest consequences of Covid in a world where truth seems so varied by stats and opinions and social media and personal experiences...

Speaking of which: my dirty little secret is that I believe I had Covid at the beginning of December. I didn't get tested though because at first I just thought I had a cold, and then when I suspected I had Covid because of the distinct lack of smell or taste, I didn't want to get locked down by my late test. It was a selfish decision that, in hind-sight, I perhaps regret. And yet I don't regret it also... because I understand the desperate nature of my mind. I didn't want to be forced into lockdown over something that I believe is less of a threat than it poses--at least for most of the population. I wanted to take my own precautions and stayed away from at-risk people. I know the results of covid are so varied... but for me, it started with a sharp burning sensation in my nose, really irritating like the smell of cigarette smoke in a casino. Then I got a mild headache on the sides of my head. I think I lost my sense of smell fairly quickly on day 2 or 3 after the nose sensation. I didn't get a fever, but I felt "feverish" like one might feel at a low-grade 99 F. I was tired but not super fatigued. I had zero congestion or respiratory symptoms, though my nose did get a bit runny. I didn't feel great for about a week, but wouldn't normally have thought anything of it more than the typical winter cold--except for the lake of taste and smell.

 It was SO crazy, having no idea that Eliana had pooped her diaper until the kids complained or Dan walked into the house (that was kinda fun to get out of diaper duty. lol!) The thing that made me realize this had to be Covid was when I walked into Bath and Body Works and could not smell a single candle. Whaaat?? I also struggled to season dinner, feeling "blind" as I scattered salt and flavor over food for my family, relying on their taste buds and opinion. I lost my appetite because eating was no longer fun! I took a bite of a cookie that my friend made and I had to appreciate the texture because I couldn't taste what I could imagine was delicious! What a crime not to enjoy Christmas treats. ha ha I paid more attention to dairy expiration dates... The perks of no smell, aside from changing diapers without gagging, also included no morning breath or mask breath! I couldn't smell any farts (mine or otherwise ha ha!). Some of that was pretty super. But there were worries like "oh great, do I need to wash my hair? Usually I wouldn't for another day but do I stink??" So personal hygiene was a concern at times, which I guess made me a more intentionally cleaner person (although I think i generally am). 

Anyway, it took about 2 weeks before my smell returned. I took a lot of Zinc and vitamin C to supplement during my illness, and tried olfactory training by testing my smells against Vinegar and spices like cumin and garlic powder. I know some people still haven't retrieved their sense of smell even after months so I feel incredibly lucky! I know it's so random sometimes how covid plays out. 

Maybe I never had it. I want to get antibody tested. The main reason I argued against having it was because Dan had been pretty sick a week or so prior. We canceled our San Diego Thanksgiving plans because he was ill and had all the covid-symptoms of fever, sweating, major fatigue for days where he just seemed to sleep for a couple days, plus congestion. However, he tested negative! So maybe his test was wrong, I don't know. But I figured if he didn't have it, I --with my lesser symptoms -- surely didn't have it. But I think I did... Nobody else got sick in the family after that, except Aiya for about a day and a half with low-grade fever and fatigue. 

So there's the school and personal covid experience update! Quickly on goals: I just want to try and get a short gospel message to the kids daily. I'm terrible at consistent FHE and the primary lessons at home. It's just been too much for me to handle this year, with at home EVERYTHING, when I was so used to having the "it takes a village" experience with church and school help. But I can do better. I'm excited about the paper planner Dan threw into my stocking this year. I love goals on good ol' fashion pen and paper! So my goals are 

*daily gospel "thoughts" we'll call them and weekly FHE.

*Weekly family journaling. 

*More one-on-one time with the kids and games together. 

*Less yelling and... uh... swearing, however "mild" the swears have been. More patience. 

*Improve daily prayers and spiritual personal thoughts

None of that is worded very well but it's in my head. I got it.

Happy New Year. Let's bring back some old normal. 

What's next?

Memes. I live for the new ones every day. Ha ha It used to be about running out of toilet paper, since that was the first stock item to fly off the shelves and become a limited product. Then there were murder hornets for a while... now the entire nation is protesting and rioting because of the murder of George Floyd, a black man arrested and then murdered by a white cop who kneeled on his neck for 9 minutes. His death has sparked the patterned outrage against African Americans. I refer to both protests and riots because they are certainly not the same. Some are protesting calmly. But too many are taking advantage of the situation and becoming violent as they loot, burn, and destroy their own cities. A number of police officers have been shot and killed. It's just insanity... which is why the latest meme says something about, "Wonder what chapter of Revelation we're in today!" Honestly, if this isn't the sign of the times... If this isn't the worst it gets with a global pandemic with a new, wildly spreading disease resulting in quarantine, devastating economies, weird arrivals of grasshoppers and murder hornets, and now the worst civil unrest... I don't want to be around for the "real stuff".

If I'm not on the news, my daily life is normal, with the biggest concerns regarding my kids behavior towards each other or towards their parents. It's pretty blissful for the kids actually, now that school is out of session. Other than some chores, maybe a bit of reading (and we just started twenty-thirty minutes of some kind of academic review), the rest of their day is play time! There's been more of that than I typically prefer because I do like a little more time with just our family. But our neighbors who are best friends with all our kids, (even Eliana!) are moving in a couple weeks. We're getting in as much time as possible. They really make our daily life pretty happy with their love for each other. So much happy energy! It can be a little chaotic now and then, but totally worth it.

Soccer opens up this week with friendly pick-up games! I was feeling nervous a week or two ago, as eager as I was. But now I don't really care. I figure I can't hide from Covid forever. It's going to be as common as the flu, maybe even a cold. Life needs to carry on, and so I responsibly return to my regular world with safety measures and precautions! I really can't wait to run around and feel that cardio burn! Gonna be fun "me time"! I've been doing a good job with some pretty tough Hiit workouts that Emily's Utah neighbor records three times a week. That has been saving me! So glad to have challenging and effective workouts (even if I've gained a few pounds with all the extra eating out and less soccer cardio. =(

Church may be starting up again soon. In all honesty, I don't mind doing it at home. I really like less meetings and trying to make the meeting work for our family, and the flexibility in that. Dan's more  burned out on family church than I am. Ha ha Some days it really is very frustrating with the bouncy, hyper behavior. But I'm still up for the challenge. I do miss the opportunities to serve that come with attending church and being asked to help, or even my calling in Young Womens. I really didn't get to attend much before all this went down with the pandemic. A lazy part of me enjoys it. And another part of me that feels devoted is eager for those challenges because I know it makes me a better person, and I want good people to be helping with my kids when they are teenagers, too. We've had some dedicated primary teachers who have sent material to my kids, Logan in particular. It's very sweet.

All right, Dan is home after a long 12 hour day. Typical for him at least once or twice a week. Opening a new law firm is no joke! More on that another time.

Life in Quarentine: week...???

What's the day? Date? All I know is it's the year 2020 and everything else has blended together into a waiting game of boredom and doing the best we can!

Hallellujah though! School is done. We did our best. It was ok. We spent about two hours attempting school, using a mix of books that I had purchased and online resources from the teachers (Google Classroom assignments) and Mystery Doug, etc. Homeschool was one of the hardest things I've had to do as a mom. It put multi-tasking to my max capacity, jumping from kid to kid to explain the assignments and sit with each for a few minutes before someone else needed my help, or Eliana demanded my attention, or Logan needed me to help him in the bathroom... Having Logan in preschool was incredibly helpful, and then I just had to get over the TV guilt and let Eliana watch shows for two hours because it was the only way I could focus without losing my mind! Aiya was able to self-direct her learning for the most part, but needed help with writing assignments and reading comprehension. Aaron needed help with each assignment. Even though he's a straight A student at school and one of his teacher's favorite kids, Aaron had major anxiety learning from home and it was a struggle for us. Sometimes Dan would take one of the kids with him to work for the morning and that was helpful for the break. Some days we'd get into the worst mom-teacher-student-son fights =( and for the sake of our relationship, call it quits for the day! I am so glad that covid hit with only two months left of school rather than at the beginning of the year when there was so much left to learn.

I'm getting nervous about school year in the fall. The CDC came out with these detailed guidelines that will make the school feel sterile and scary for kids! Everyone in masks, 6 ft apart, regular hand-washing and reminders over the intercom about germs and distance... they're looking at a blended school schedule where the kids will be divided into half the day, or maybe a week on and a week off from learning at school and then learning at home. I don't know. It just seems like a lot for kids and parents to take in. I'm so sad for Logan that this might be his kindergarten experience! I'm considering not sending him because it's scary enough to send your kid away for six hours. But into that kind of environment? How will he feel comfortable making friends? and playing? Kindergarten is supposed to be learning but also magical! It just makes me sick to my stomach worrying about it. So far now, I'm just not going to think too much more about it. Hopefully Covid will clear up enough to where it's not so tense.

Outside of the school debate, there is lots of judgement and debates going on in every other aspect of life as it pertains to Covid. It's the new politics, where throughout the day, people are posting their views on social media, or there are those who try and post memes, reminding us to "be kind and non-judgement". That's where I'm at. There's discussion all over the place about masks being effective or not, or "it doesn't matter if they're effective. Think of others!" With businesses starting to open up, some people are acting like social distancing doesn't matter anymore and are crowding beaches and parks and pools this Memorial weekend. I can't say I'm perfect at it either. I went and played pick-up soccer Saturday morning with Dan and couldn't help myself when going in for tackles. I'm too competitive to play completely laid back soccer. lol Then we went biking at Floyd Lamb Park and took the kids to this BMX jump track. It was a pretty busy but we tried to keep our space on the bikes.

Anyway, I'm kind of over being so scared of Covid. I feel like it's going to be as common as the flu and it's just a matter of time before we all get it. It won't be fun, that's for sure. But I don't like living in fear and worrying about everything. We do the best we can. and right now, Dan and I are eager to support the small businesses and the rest of the economy, to pull out of this mess from 2 months+ of closure.

On the positive: No soccer has allowed me to discover my love for biking. Now I just wish the weather weren't about to sky-rocket in heat. No more biking. =( Really hoping soccer opens up by June. That'll make all of this more bearable! I've gained 3 pounds or so during this new quarantine life. Not a crazy amount, but enough to make me mad because I feel like some of it is out of my control! I think people everywhere are learning what it's like to have parts of their life stolen from them and out of control. It's not fun. Infuriating really.

But we are healthy and comfortable so I really shouldn't complain too much. Dan is continuing to work crazy hours as he's successfully broken away from the Rushforth firm. Business is booming, thanks to his dedication. It's definitely taking a toll some days, but we're enjoying getting out on bike rides, the mountains, or game time with the kids when it's not too hectic with them.

Here's hoping June is an easier month!

3 Weeks of Quarentine down.

We've just completed three weeks of quarentine life. Is that all? Social Distancing has been extended until end of April. I am fully anticipating that it will carry on into May, and probably some of June. I can only hope it ends by then. The school keeps playing it by ear, but I'm pretty sure we are done for the school year. This week we are on Spring Break and I think that's such a joke! I wish the teachers were sending more direction, more work than they are. Aiya's teacher has sent a handful of things and it's so helpful to have a better idea of what they're working on. But it's still pretty much a scavenger hunt to the best of my ability and patience to trudge through the best we can with the resources I can find.

Today's Facebook post:

Kicked off “Spring Break” with a picnic at the park in our pajamas! It was noon. 😂 Most days, I encourage myself and the kids to get dressed, even if we are just hanging at home. The day feels better to me... like I have a reason to get out of bed despite our quarantine circumstances. Not today!

It’s been a humorous realization how exciting it is for the kids to get in the car and drive to the high school to pick up the generous free meals. Feels like such an outing! 😆 With the parks closed, we settled for a grassy hilltop and entertained ourselves with sparse hide ‘n seek, dandelion wishes, and running up and down the hill. (Whatever tires them out)

If it weren't spring break, our day typically looks like this:

8 AM: I get out of bed (kinda nice to sleep in, since Aiya usually gets Eliana up for me between 7:45/8 AM) and get the kids a light breakfast. At 9 AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Logan goes to preschool. (Since there are only 6 students, it's currently allowed and encouraged. It's making us a bit nervous to continue though, with the numbers insanely growing.) A few times a week, Aiya and Aaron have joined me in Hiit workouts on Youtube. I never wanted to work out at home because it seemed too chaotic, but I've been pleasantly surprised! It's not as tough of a workout as I'm used to because I have to stop and encourage Aiya, who gets frustrated easily when she can't do the move. But it's worth it to see how excited they are to get stronger! Around 10 AM (I do like the slight flexibility in this schedule), we start two hours of school. Some days more frustrating or successful than others... Then we have lunch, they play... and then 1-3:30 PM it's nap-time/Mommy time! Kids can watch TV or do art work or just play together and that's working out nicely. That's the one sane part of my day that I insisted on maintaining, even though some days that's more TV than I feel good about. After that, we might squeeze in a chore or two, then Dan's home for dinner at 5:30/6 PM. We hang out and then push through the tiresome bedtime routine between 7 and 8 PM. Sometimes it's nice, reading books and talking... other times, it's all we can do to muscle through the chaos! 

8PM until midnight is... pretty free for Dan and me. I feel like we have become a little complacent with each other. We're both often so checked out, busy on our separates phones or watching our separate shows... Some nights we're watch favorite shows together and spend more significant time with each other. But there are a lot of nights where it's just a little ... empty. Now, to clarify, our relationship isn't empty. We're doing great. But by the end of the day, with are both so tired... bored... just... missing our social life TOGETHER. We loved our soccer date nights because it forced us out of the house, even on busy days, and we played together in an environment that was so fun and challenging and happy! It's just a little dull and some nights depressing when we check in on the covid battle. I'm not sure why it's so tiring doing "less". Physically, I get a lot more rest without soccer three nights a week, plus extra workouts in the mornings on some days like I used to.  But I read some articles online that explain it well--that there's this heaviness in the air from the changes, the worry, the adjustments... it's all tiring in a different way. And I just want it to stop. To go away.

This weekend was general conference, a weekend prophesied in October 2019 by President Russell M. Nelson that it would be the most unforgettable conference as we honor the 200th celebration of the Restoration. Certainly, it was unforgettable in these circumstances! The prophet and apostles held conference in a smaller auditorium. It was so quiet and empty without the choir and audience (I even missed the laughter during the occasional joke or announcement of a Utah temple). But definitely amazing that everyone who wanted to could still listen and participate in conference. There were not as many attention-grabbing talks for me personally. For some reason, both Dan and I felt that most of the sessions were kinda slow, but certainly a great honor of Joseph Smith. There were still some wonderful quotes that I need to go back and read, and I liked Sunday session best. It was also a new experience to do the Hosanna Shout from my home, something I had to read up on. From my understanding, it seems to be a cry to Heaven to honor and request help. The prophet also asked for a second worldwide fast on Good Friday this week. I don't love fasting, but I believe in its power, and I've felt the strength behind it when so many pray and fast with like-minded faith and need. 

The kids do have one family they interact with, the Robbins family in the cal-di-sac above us. They are the very best neighbors, so fun and thoughtful. All of our neighbors have been wonderful, actually, in asking each other who needs what from the grocery store or to borrow from our homes. Everyone is so willing to help one another, and that's awesome to see. But the Robbins family is definitely in our "quarentine corner", the one family we break the rules with. The kids (and I) would go insane without any playdates at all. It's been life-saving to swap Aiya back and forth with Debby, Margaret, and sometime Caroline. This cute cluster of sisters from ages 4-9 are busy enough to keep Aiya entertained and moving. Logan and Aaron have the made the best of the situation and play all day long with only a couple short-lived fights. It's been a miracle between the two of them, honestly. Thankfully!!

Easter is coming up and we're trying to incorporate more of Christ into our celebration. It feels good to have the extra time for those kinds of conversations as we honor Christ's final week before his death and resurrection. 

Life with COVID-19

It's been about two weeks since "social distancing" started here in Las Vegas. With the world-wide Corona Virus taking hold across the world and mostly in the east coast of the US, we knew it was coming. It just didn't feel very real until the schools closed down the week of March 16th. This was the same day (I believe) that the church declared a temporary world-wide closure of gatherings--which means no meetings, church, missionary work etc at all. Once the church shut down, that was the most eye-opening for me to realize that this is indeed growing out of control.

That first week of March 16 was full of excitement and uncertainty. The rush to the grocery stores began, creating the crazed pandemic end-of-the-world feeling as food flew off the shelves. We were all worried about not having enough, realizing all the ways that we fell short on food storage preparations despite the years of warnings. So I was unfortunately one of the problematic hoarders buying two-three times my normal amount, although I wouldn't say I was hoarding. I feel like my purchases were reasonable. However, it did feel like a mad rush to fill my pantry. I grabbed cans of soup, chicken broth, rice, chili, spam, canned chicken and tuna, cereals, tons of pasta... every day things my young, picky family eats. I'm not a "grind your own wheat" type of woman, so I've never been on board with storing that. I also grabbed extra milk, egg, lunch meat, bread, flour, sugar...

Going out the store was a long-winded adventure every day after that, the lines making a thirty minute trip take more like two-hours. I remember looking up at everyone differently that day. I didn't have my kids. They haven't been the store in weeks. I've been in the habit before of tunnel-vision shopping, just trying to make it through my list and without whining or fighting kids distracting me. So I haven't been one for small talk on my errands. During one of these first trips out, I looked at people differently. I thanked the employees busily stocking shelves. I lifted my gaze and smiled at my fellow concerned shoppers. I wondered how each of them were doing and if their families had enough. A few times I asked if they were ok. I checked in with the cashiers to see how they were holding up.

Aside from the grocery shopping prep, the virus still didn't feel real locally. It still felt like an "other side of the country" problem because Vegas only had a handful of cases. But closing down the schools made it feel more real, especially when that was closely followed by the Social Distancing order and closure of small businesses. That one really struck a chord because it meant no more activities for the kids. No more soccer dates for Dan and I.

Last week I really dug in my heels with frustrations to all the sudden adjustments. All my freedoms, my schedule and routines, my social and personal outlets were stripped away all at the same time. I was forced into the position of homeschooling my kids, something I would NEVER sign up for. I always anticipated that it would be an impossible feat. The first couple days were pretty frustrating, feeling unqualified to teach multiple children on different levels. Feeling unappreciated by frustrated children who were adjusting to the changes in the air and their schedules too. There were lots of tantrums and name-calling from children to parent, and then eventually tantrums from my new role as Teacher Mommy.

On Thursday, March 19th, I woke up super ill. I had thrown up three times in the night, once every hour for three hours, followed by the worst... and I mean THE WORST diarrhea I've ever experienced. I don't think details are necessary. But let's just say by mid-morning, I was severely dehydrated on multiple levels. I didn't have anymore specific gastrointestinal symptoms after that other than my zero appetite and my stomach aching. But the worst symptom became the dizziness. I could barely stand and move around, and yet I needed to to take care of my kids. We mostly laid on the couch watching TV for the next couple of days because fatigue over-came me to where every movement from room to room took everything out of me, so you can imagine the multiple trips up and down the stairs to feed my kids while we camped out on in the loft upstairs. So much TV! That's all I could do, especially when Aiya joined the sick club Thursday night with vomiting.

We were a sad pair, dizzy and weak on the couch. Dan was the best once he'd step into the home from work. He would completely take over and get the other kids fed and to bed while Aiya and I fell asleep early each night. By Sunday, the dizziness was mostly gone but my stomach still hurt for the next couple of days, like I needed to throw up. Aiya bounced all around with her illness, one day perfectly fine and then the next evening, she passed out at 5:30 PM for the night. It was the worst illness I've ever experienced. I told Dan I wasn't entirely sure it wasn't COVID, even though it didn't have any of the respiratory symptoms. (Just literally everything else you can get from a virus! Including the worst body aches, some chills and feverish nights.) Dan experienced a few days of milder symptoms but somehow pushed through going to work. Poor guy has been exhausted and stressed, trying to to break away from Rushforth Lee and Kiefer. It couldn't be worse time for he and Kenny Lee to start their own thing. But they've been doing it! One day at a time.

What have I missed.... so homeschooling. We picked it back up after my attempts the week prior (Tuesday and Wednesday). This week we've done it for five days! Well... one of those days may have been a pretty poor attempt for less than an hour.... But the other days we've done pretty well. I have this Summer Brain Books that are a decent comprehensive review of the school year to guide me along, plus many online websites from the school and other resources. We keep it pretty simple, and I still feel inadequate as a teacher... but I've stopped worrying about that. It's out of my control, and I know my kids will catch up later. I'm just giving them brain work to keep them moving mentally. We've had fun the last two days working out together with Hiit youtube videos and Cosmic Kids Yoga. The kids have also fallen into a much better groove with playing together--mostly Logan and Aaron. They have totally bonded over transformer toys and this show called Tobots. It's been pretty amazing to see. Enjoying it while it lasts! Aiya, in the meantime, has enjoyed more time with Eliana and me, cooking or swinging or working on piano and singing.

I am missing soccer so bad! That has been the hardest transition for me, leaving three nights of soccer to zero. I miss the fun, the challenge, the social time, the competetiveness, the away from kids time... just feeling like an individual adult, ME, rather than all the roles of wife and mom. I miss it so much and it kills me not knowing when this will end.

But I try to keep my perspective healthy. And remember why the social distancing is necessary--that there are people literally DYING from this virus, and suffering economically far worse than we ever will. I worry about the economy a lot as I look around at the locked doors and closed businesses. How will most of these places come back from all of this? Are we on our way into a depression? How will all of this change... everything? How will it stop?

I don't follow the media too much. I catch glimpses of the stats here and there, but my Tv is rarely on the news channel. I think there's too much fear and unresolved questions floating around for it to do me much good right now. I have a healthy dose of awareness without obsession. It doesn't feel too scary here in Las Vegas yet. We still walk around the neighborhood, or go to isolated parks to run around. We keep our distance... but i'm grateful we are able to still leave our home, and I'll enjoy that freedom as long as we can.

So much to say. But that's the gist of it.

Ear Troubles

My kids are usually healthy throughout the year, minus a couple colds/coughs and maybe one stomach bug each. This December/January kicked our butts! It seemed like my kids were coughing the entire month, and Aiya and Aaron both got ear-infections. Most of the illness stayed with Aaron though and it's been a bit of a sickness-saga:

The week following the Great Thanksgiving Sickness of 2018 (a post I will hopefully write up at some point!), it didn't seem a surprise that Aaron stayed home from school the following week for nausea. He threw up twice and said his head hurt, but it didn't keep him down. He seemed fine once he threw up and was back at school the next day. The following week, he seemed to develop croup. He had a scary bout with retractions while he was sleeping, where I literally stayed awake staring at his stomach, his chest, his neck... trying to understand what I was reading about retractions and when to take them to the doctor. It was past 11 PM when I finally took him into the ER for breathing treatments and steroids. It was a pricey stop but I don't regret it for a minute. I enjoyed hanging out with him and he was so patient. We learned about nebulizers and got one for future use. We think he's pone to asthma anyway. Following what seemed to be bronchiolitis, the following week, he had a severe headache where he threw up at school, and then once at home, crying heavily about his head. After Tylenol, he was fine an hour or so later. He continued to have headaches that never seemed to fully go away, but with the lingering couch, it seemed to be connected to that. Then he got a double-ear infection just a couple days before Christmas and was given amoxicillin to treat it. The headaches still lingered daily and continued to worsen. There was another bout of nausea and vomiting for a couple days, but since Aiya threw up a few days later, it seemed to be the stomach bug this time, even though it didn't seem to keep Aaron down necessarily. Again, we were left to wonder, migraines or stomach bug?

After ten days of antibiotics, Aaron mentioned that his ear still hurt. So I took him in to see Dr. Reyes and had a very disjointed meeting with him. He's not Aaron's usual doctor (Dr. Duddy) and I was less than impressed with how distracted he seemed. Aaron failed the hearing test in his right ear, but his ears did not seem infected. So we were referred to a neurologist and ENT. That night, just as Aaron's headaches seemed unbearable for him again because his ibuprofen had worn off, Dr. Reyes called back to express extra concern about the headaches and nausea episodes and how long-winded these headaches had been. He said he would expedite the referral to the neurologist.

This put my mama-heart on hyper-drive and I continued to Google symptoms that ranged anywhere from sinus infection to the gloom-and-doom diagnosis of a brain tumor. My findings got Dan worked up as well and we worried excessively about Aaron. We decided to fast Sunday, January 6th for him.

 By Tuesday, I was becoming a wreck. My head was spinning and my emotions swinging high. I couldn't get a hold of either a neurologist or ENT anytime soon--the neurologist didn't have an opening until January 30th, which I was educated would only be a consultation, not the MRI that I was desperate to have Aaron get. I knew I couldn't wait that long to know if there was something serious going on inside his head, and with the persistence and discomfort of these headaches, I knew something was really wrong. However, just as I made plans to take Aaron to the ER that night (knowing the bill would be excessive but so grateful Dan had worked so hard last year to allow us the funds to do so), the scheduler for neurology called with a cancellation! There was an opening the very next morning. I jumped at the opportunity. Feeling empowered, I hired a sitter and drove to the ENT office, frustrated that they wouldn't pick up the phone or return my calls from the previous day. I told them I needed an appointment for my five-year-old. When they said they couldn't see me for a week, I asked to be put on the cancellation list, and told them I'd even go out of my insurance network just to get in soon. The lady at the front desk was surprisingly very nice and proactive, and stepped away from her desk to speak to a Dr, who agreed to squeeze me in two days later!

I could not believe that I went from having nothing to having two back-to-back specialist appointments! I also spoke with cousin Bryan Smedley (an ENT in AZ) that night, who calmed my fears and said the ENT would have most of the answers for me. He guessed fluid in the middle ear was the cause of all the headaches and hearing loss. He was right! While the neurologist guessed migraines and referred me to an MRI just as a precaution (and with a tone of it being unnecessary), the ENT visit was full of data and answers. Aaron failed his hearing in BOTH ears terribly. Like, off the charts failed them. Based on the numbers, I don't know how he's hearing and responding so well! The ENT said it's like he's underwater, or his head in jello. There is so much thick fluid in his ears, probably from the double-ear-infection. She suggested a simple procedure of putting tubes in his ears after draining the fluid. Easy as that.

I left feeling so relieved and happy! I almost decided not to do the MRI but they called the very next day with an opening for Monday, January 14th. I was so shocked! I was told the MRI would be weeks away. It didn't seem necessary at this point but I figured it best for peace of mind. I couldn't believe the contrast in my demeanor from anxious mama-bear who was determined to get an MRI through the ER (and learned that probably wouldn't have been approved anyway), to feeling pretty good about everything and how it was all coming together.

Aaron was absolutely amazing during the MRI. He was highly motivated by a legendary Pokemen toy, Solgeleo, and laid still as a statue. He was brave and calm... until after 15 minutes they had to pull him out to inject the contrast dye. We didn't know about that part until we got there. Poor baby cried hard for half a minute while they made two attempts to get the needle into him. Then he recovered nicely and went back into the machine for another 15 minutes. Before we left, the tech let me know that by saying, "You're free to go", that that was as much as he could say to indicate there wasn't anything serious like a brain tumor. =) I appreciated that. We felt pretty positive.

The next day, however, the pediatrician called to say the MRI showed that he has mastoiditis and sinusitis--the sinus part more common and makes sense. The mastoiditis is more rare and cause for concern. Essentially, the ear infection led to bacterial infection in the mastoid bone. I feel like that's the most concerning part--not knowing how long the bone has been infected. If left untreated, it can lead to meningitis and other scary things that I'd had my eye on when all of this first started--clots and abscess, etc. So that got my concern back in over-drive, especially because with insurance complication, we would not be able to get in for the fluid-draining and tubes until February 14th, unless there was a cancellation for this  Friday the 18th. I prayed and begged for the cancellation spot for this Friday, and fasted again on Sunday, giving whatever offering to God I could. I hoped it meant Aaron would get the cancellation spot, but I also prayed that ultimately, everything would be ok, and if I just needed to feel patient and calm, then I'd accept that.

Yesterday, the scheduler called to say there was a cancellation for Friday. I surprised her with crying happy tears! Even though the rest of my day was a little chaotic, I was just thrilled and relieved to know that Aaron would not have to go much longer with the pain in his ears. I'm still worried that more might be going on with his mastoid bone, thanks to online research. Probably not the best, but I want to be prepared with questions and options. The ENT just called me back after looking at the MRI and didn't seem extra concerned at all about the fluid in the mastoid. She said it's all connected and we just need to start with the fluid removal and tubes.

Makes me want a little more validation because I really feel like something bad might happen if we don't act fast on whatever is ailing Aaron. But one step at a time, she reminded me. So... deep breath for this mama over here! I feel proud of my efforts to speed up this process to the best of my ability. Maybe it's my controlling nature--one I didn't realize I had until I had kids!--but I just can't stand the idea of my kids in pain. And Aaron has been so patient throughout all of this. But he's getting weary. and just looks pale and sickly. I hope everything is resolved by the tubes in his ears!

Regardless, I see God's hand in how all of this had played out. Persistence and prayer work miracles!